Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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