If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
