Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
