I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
