Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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