I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
