Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
