I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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