The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
