can we get nightvision for the apartment?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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