Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
