nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
