I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Im part way to drunk.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
