There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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