I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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