at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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