I cannot find my penis.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
