I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
