Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
