just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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