Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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