I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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