If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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