Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
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My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
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Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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