life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
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He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
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It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Success! We fucked roommates!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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