my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
