Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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