I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
