my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
