I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
