I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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