The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My day in three words: secret purse cake
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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