I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
