The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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