so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
