If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
