I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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