Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
