Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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