god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
