what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
