I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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