oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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