i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
