i need an iv and a liver transplant
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
