Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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