he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You made out with two different species that night
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I love you.
Bad choice
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