I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Randomize
