I can text with my tongue
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dicks are not precious.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
