If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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