So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm gonna fight the coyote
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
