Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
