My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
