she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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