so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize