im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
