I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
