just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
whose parrot is this?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
