I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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