I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
